Deny Oneself – Not be IN DENIAL!!!
Then Jesus told His disciples, “If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Me. – Matthew 16:24
I knew going into Rob’s Big Losers 2015 I was going to crush this and if not win be stiff competition. I just needed a bit of motivation, a bunch of accountability, and just do the work. In my dream version I would easily lose 25 pounds probably 35. I lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks before. I was a little heavier and a decade younger but I figured I got this. Ummm yeah. What in the last ten years made me think with just the right notch in life pounds would just melt right off my body into beautiful toned muscles? Denial! That it would be okay to splurge and still expect the same results? Denial! And remaining comfortable would turn me almost model-like while still running my life basically on the same schedule with a couple extra trips to the gym? Denial! Sense a theme? Also how did I forget me and my sweet son – inspiring little coach do not have awesome immune systems which means if there is a virus or bug to catch we tend to me master detectives! I am pretty sure we had two flus within a month or similar virus. My body has not learned to filter stress because I mentally ignore (or go into denial mode) until overload and illness just overwhelms my system. This past weekend perfect example – Friday – Sunday out of 96 hours I slept probably 48 and dozed another twenty and vegged another fifteen. So was somewhat productive in a very slow mode for roughly 13 hours.
I haven’t mustered the energy to check the scale lately as we have been fighting. I feel different. My clothes feel different but that number is slowly changing!!! I prayed to God for a pick me up. I confessed my eating hasn’t been my top priority and that exercise was non-existent as walking from my bed to the recliner twenty feet away was EXHAUSTING that a little encouragement would help me refocus. I was checking in with #RBL2015 blogs, watching/re-watching some interviews on http://www.hisradio.com, went for a walk with the family on this gorgeous day, ate a delicious supper with lots of veggies made by my amazing husband Corey and started checking the calendar for goals and plans, and I looked at the date on the calendar. I have a pair of pants that I have been saving to try on. I am a bit of an emotional/sentimental hoarder- especially clothes memories. I will save certain clothes if they hold a “story”. Well I have a pair of pants that I loved in my college years. They are black and shiny – kind of dressy fun pants. They also used to be my comfy pants I could pair them with anything and walk out the door. Well they were growing snug and tighter and tighter until March 23, 2002 they were unbreathable. Ladies (and gentlemen you may understand this too) but I know many ladies will understand the lie down on the bed and suck in to button and zip pants and as long as you can stand up. Still good to go. Well the lie down and zip up took a little too long that fateful day and returning to standing position was almost disastrous and that was the day we bid adieu to these pants until this fateful day THIRTEEN YEARS LATER and a day! I remember the date as I was going to church and it was my boyfriend’s (husband now) 2 year dating anniversary and was in a wardrobe conundrum as I had no other available church clothes as I had been in denial about my (then) recent weight gain.
I have tried these pants several times over the years but no luck. However tonight I buttoned and zipped them standing up. Can fit both hands comfortably into pockets. Granted they are not comfy pant standards yet but THEY FIT! Which led me to parading them out into the living room – give my boys credit as my son responded “I don’t think I seen those pants.” and my husband did the head tilt “Umm it’s been awhile since I’ve seen you wear those.” Yeah like THIRTEEN YEARS!!!! So of course I demand he take a picture that I send to several friends and my mom and then just show facebook because I am wearing pants that I wore in my early twenties! My mom responds as only a mother could verbatim text ” Congratulations! You kept a pair of slacks for 13 years? It looks like your mini coach is super proud.” Yes I did keep a pair of pants for thirteen years (I just threw out a pair of shoes that I wore for 17 years – I struggle with lettting go sometimes 🙂 because I was in denial that I overcame. I truly believed I would be able to wear them once again and I DID!!!
I once again haven’t physically rocked all of my goals but wow this journey has been an eye opener. I struggle with balance in many areas of my life which I sort of know and understand but like to feign ignorance or fall into true denial. That it is going to take work if I want to see changes. It means letting go what I “believe” is comfortable for what is “real”. That although patience may run thin – small changes can reach the milestones too! I am going for the real deal and not the quick fix. I’ve done the quick fix and ended up 110+ pounds where I am today. I am not ready to see her in the mirror ever again! And take away this weekend my energy is sky-high, I can carry my 36 lb son down twenty steps and across a big parking lot and not be winded, I no longer crave soda (well I crave it still in certain situations but I don’t live, breathe, and consume it), I sleep better, and I am nicer when I make it to the gym. I’m kind of a cranky monster without that physical demand. And I like weights. Active Trax helps me see improvements and takes the overanalyzing away. Sometimes I need that direct order of do this – I appreciate that from a trainer as well. When it is me picking cardio or a random workout I struggle which choice is best.
I still have areas to improve where I must deny self to be the follower of Jesus I strive to be. And there are still areas of denial I must let go to let in the good. But I am making progress. I lost THIRTEEN years of baggage, of struggle, of stress, of anxiety, of frustration, of despair, of grief, of sadness, of life as I tried to find me that I was truly burying alive with pound upon pound. I have 24 days left of this amazing transitional journey -can’t wait to recommit and what other closet goodies I can find to share! God bless y’all and let’s continue to get healthier together 😉