Why This Journey?

I am not a blogger, so please forgive me if my first few are basically redundant rambles.

Why this journey? Why now? Two very simple questions, but they hold so much weight and sorrow to them. The short answer is I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of being the big girl in the room. I’m tired of not worshiping God by taking care of myself. Why now? Because why not now.

Now for the long and deeper answers to the questions. Why this journey? Why did I want to be a Rob’s Big Loser? I have been large my entire life. I weighed in at my heaviest at 253 pounds while I was grieving the passing of my mom when I was 16. I am an emotional eater through and through and the grieving process just exasperated it! Over the next five years I lost 63 pounds and was the lightest I had been since middle school. I met my husband in 2014 and we eloped in 2015 which we followed with a public ceremony in late 2015. When my husband and I were dating I was diagnosed with PCOS and LADA or Type 1.5 Diabetes. Due to those issues my doctors told me that I had a 15% chance of getting pregnant without medical help and only if I kept all my levels in check.

Being told my statistics made my head spin with self doubt and feelings of inferiority. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom and have my own family. What kind of man would want to be with someone that can’t do the one thing females were made to do that men can’t? My husband was never bothered by any of the information I told him along the way. He said that God will do what God will do. God is in control.

Cue in Januray 2016. 10 negative home pregnancy tests and 2 negative pregancy blood tests. But I knew different. I saw two doctors who told me in much nicer words that I was crazy when I told them I didn’t believe what the tests said, that I knew I was pregnant. A month later a doctor finally listened to me and believed me. It turns out I was pregnant, but had miscarried. Add to my list of medical issues, low progesterone. I could only think I why, why was this happening to me.

To find out that you were going to be a mom and have it taken away rips your heart out. My body was a mom, I was a mom. I am a mom that never got to hold her baby. My husband and I looked for the good in the heartbreaking situation. Our good was God showed us that we can potentially have a family that way, but also opened us up to talking about other ways to have our own family such as fostering and adoption.

My answer to the why now question is still the simple answer of why not now. Why not get my body into the best shape it can be? Why not worship God by taking care of myself? Why not prepare myself for however God blesses my family with children? I am glad to say that I have made it to the why not now question. And I am blesses to have this wonderful opportunity thanks to His Radio and the Greenville YMCA.

Categories: Amanda McCroskey

2 replies »

  1. we miscarried our first child in 2014 at 6 weeks. I’m so sorry you went through that. It is heartbreaking. I’ll definitely be praying for you and your husband, not only for your loss but for your journey, for empowerment and strength.

  2. I was told the same thing when I was diagnosed with diabetes. God has a plan for everything. Had I married at an early age I may not have had the opportunity to be an alternative care giver for 2 precious boys who would have went into foster care if i would have been able to follow my plan instead of God’s plan

    Keep working hard and trust that God has a plan for you.

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