So, I had hoped that life would slow down. But, that’s really not possible is it. And here is the struggle..the things I cannot plan for. Monday I came home to a crazy situation. My son has a lot of chronic health issues and it can make it hard to plan or just to keep a good attitude some weeks. This past week, I was sick. He was also struggling and yesterday it all hit the fan. He got home from his Papas (my father-in-laws) and he could barely move. Evan has arthritis but it has been in good shape every where except his eyes. Yep, you can get arthritis in your eyes. So, he was in severe pain. And this is one tough kid. So, when he says he hurts…he really hurts. And the stress of that can make me want to shut down. So, begins the calling. And I had trouble getting through to the rheumatologist. In fact, the one I got a hold of wanted us to go the ER. We were able to get into our pediatrician instead. So, I waited on my husband and we drive to the dr at 7:30 and while waiting he has to go to the bathroom and there is blood. Blood. And I start thinking about last March when he spent 8 days in the hospital with bleeding. and I know this is all a flare. an arthritis flare and a colon flare and it hits me it could be the infusion (IV meds) is not working or it could be the new drug he started for the eyes is giving him problems.And I am afraid and exhausted and I stay that way. Close to tears all the time. We get done at the Dr. She drew labs and is sending us home with more labs and I know I will spend Tuesday on the phone getting advice about his wheezing and bleeding and I know that this gnawing hunger in me is more than just physical. It’s physical because this has been like running a race inside. and it’s mental and emotional because my insides are over the top. How do I even think about healthy when I am so overwhelmed? I know there are a million reasons for my weight stuff, but let’s be honest. The biggest one is my stressful life. Stress does a few things for me.
1. Its makes my mind shut down and then I have trouble even planning meals. I buy whatever I can think of and I am happy I even remembered groceries at all.
2. It makes me sad. Having a chronically ill child can make me so sad and angry all at the same time. I am sure some people could handle this and not let it effect them. But this effects me. I pray. I read my Bible. And I lean and I am still sad. My son has been sick for 14 years and it makes me very sad. I see so many wonderful things but he is still sick. And that’s hard.
3. It puts me in a very agitated and hyped up state. I go to the Dr. We make it through. We come out on the other side and I feel like I have been hit by a sledge hammer. I feel so hungry after an even like that. So tired. So hungry. So over it all.
So I will start week 2. I will try to find a way to run at least 2 days. I know Thursday and Wednesday will work. And the exercise actually helps a lot. I keep hearing that verse in my head- From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord. The maker of heaven and earth.
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