Man (Well, woman) in the Mirror

I got married just after turning 19 years old. Married someone who I thought was amazing and loved me. About 3 months into our marriage, he changed. Became forceful, angry, and not very nice. He was not like some of the other horrible husbands you hear about though…that’s just on TV. So, why do I feel empty inside? Why do I feel uncomfortable around him? Oh yeah, I don’t want to make him upset because he will yell, maybe throw something. Shove me into a wall even. So the eggshells I had to walk on started early in our marriage. We had good times though. And he “loved” me. This is what I have to do. I’m married and I cannot go back on that. But, I can eat one more piece of pizza. I can have just one more piece of cake. Yeah, that makes me feel good. I can hide the fact that I do not enjoy the married life by eating this wonderful food.

So, after 7 years of marriage and 2 beautiful children later, I realized I gotta get out. This is not how marriage is supposed to be and I do not want my kids thinking this is how they treat a woman. By screaming her into submission. So I got the courage to leave and immediately felt better. HAPPY! Moved in with my mom and had a happy home. I was at about 298lbs when I left and in no time literally melted off about 125lbs and 5 dress sizes. Happiness looks good on me! A couple of years after my divorce was final I met my now husband. He is a blessing from God. I won’t gush too much about him. 🙂

We’ve been married for almost 9 wonderful years. So, if being miserable in my first marriage made me pack on the weight…why am I finding myself overweight in my marriage that is amazing?! What is wrong with me?!

Just like the song by Michael Jackson, Man in the Mirror, says, “I’m gonna make a change…for once in my life. It’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference. Gonna make it right.” That has been my attitude every new year for a long, long time. How is 2018 going to be any different, I asked myself. I have all these dreams of getting in shape and making myself feel good inside and out…I know I can do this! Then…there’s that stinker called doubt that would be like no…you are going to be good for a week and then it’s over…just face it…you are going to be fat for the rest of your God given days. You do this every year, Gina. So, year after year I do just that…do well for a week or two into the new year and then I stop. I give in to food. I use it for comfort. I use it to bide the time when bored. I use it because my brain tells me I have to have it. And here I am in 2018…a size 24 pants, a 3x or 4x top, and weighing in at approximately 310lbs. The most I have ever weighed in my entire 39 years. So…what changed in me to take this leap to even attempt Rob’s Big Losers? What changed in my brain to make me be like…yes I will work out 4 times a week and eat better…sure! Well, I will tell you what changed:

I went to my doctor in December of 2017. She came in and reminded me how she had me try natural weight loss with diet and exercise a few years ago. That didn’t work. (Well, duh, Doc…there’s this thing called PIZZA! Hellooooo!?!) And then she reminded me about the pills I took for a while and how those worked! How I had lost 50lbs on them! But then I was reminded about how I gained them all back and then some. So her very next words made me sick to my stomach and sent chills down my spine. “Ok, Gina since we have tried all these things here’s what we are going to do for 2018. I want you to try diet and exercise again and try to lose the weight naturally. By your next appointment if you have not been able to lose some weight and keep it off, I’m recommending you for weight loss surgery.” I’m sure the look on my face spoke volumes. (Typically does…I gotta learn to control that!) So after my appointment I got in my car and sat there for a minute and then the tears started. Surgery. To lose weight?! I do NOT want to do that! I do NOT want to take that route. I know a couple folks that almost died from it! So, what’s next. What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Well, for one, I had to go to work so…I left the parking lot of the doctor’s office and headed to my office. On the way, I was listening to His Radio like I always do. There was Rob. It popped into my mind about his own weight loss journey. I had heard it before. Hmmm…do I try for this Rob’s Big Loser in January? Could/would I even be able to do this? Nah. I’ll do it on my own. I don’t need help. Well, Gina look where ‘on your own’ has gotten you, girl. It nagged at me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. On the way home from work there was Rob again! Just hearing his voice made his story pop into my brain. And the next morning on the way to work! Ooook…maybe this is God trying to gently shove me into applying for this. Maybe this is God’s way of saying…”Hey, when praying for this new year I gave you a couple different words, obedience and prosper. So obey me, apply, get healthy and prosper from it!” Oh…ok, God. So that’s how this works! So, when I heard the advertisement I was like ok, you can apply for this. I took a deep breath, got online and applied. I waited a day or two before I told anyone I applied because honestly, I thought friends and family alike would think it was silly. Think poorly of me because I can’t lose weight on my own. But what I have come to find out since telling friends and family is that if anything…THEY ALL SUPPORT ME AND ARE ROOTING FOR ME! Whaaaaa?!?! I have a GINA MOTTE fan club! Heck yeah! Can you say hashtag motivation?!

So, here I am! One of Rob’s Big Losers for 2018! Here I am taking the baby steps. God lead me to this point and He ain’t gonna leave me to do this alone. Already the community of support from all these people I do not even know yet makes me happy!! Gives me hope. Gives me motivation. Gives me the desire I need to get off the couch, put the ice cream back in the freezer and do this. Not just for 12 weeks but for the rest of my life. (If you don’t know me yet, I’m on the left on the end with the pink sleeve sticking out.)

I need this for so many reasons. I have two beautiful sons, ages 14 and 18. I have an amazing husband who loves me like crazy and I love him right back. I have more great family and friends that are supporting me. I NEED THIS. I need to be around for all these beautiful people in my life. Not just for me…for them. I want to be healthy and live life to a ripe old age.

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer…if you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and then make a change.” -Michael Jackson, Man in the Mirror