Reflections

Sometimes looking back over the years, I find myself asking, what could I have done differently? How have I allowed myself to get so big and out of shape? I’ve had a lot of negativity in my life about my looks. When someone you care about tells you things like ,”a woman your size shouldn’t wear khaki pants they just make you look bigger.” Or, “I really don’t know why you think that dress looks good on you because you can see every roll you have.” Or when you are actually on a roll in life, have lost weight and look great and someone in your life literally steals your black chiffon dress from your closet and takes it to Goodwill. Now granted this I did not know about until a year later. And when I confronted this person (all this is a very close family member who I adore deeply but she over steps her boundaries way too much…obviously) and she tells me she didn’t think someone my size needed to wear such a dress. Like how am I supposed to feel about all this?! Or when someone tells you over and over again “I’m not worried about your size I just want you to be healthy.” Like that is the ultimate way of saying you need to lose weight. These are just some of the things I have had to deal with my entire life. One would think that now at almost 40 years old I don’t have to hear such things but that isn’t the case. I know there is a person in the lives of my children who makes fun of my size in front of them. Sometimes my kids tell me and sometimes they don’t. It hurts to be honest deep down but, I also know the person this is coming from has had a very hurtful past and just feels the need to be hurtful to others to cover their own hurt. I guess after hearing all these statements thru the years, at some point you start to believe them. Believe the way others see you is just how it really is. I have to say this journey thus far has allowed me to deal with this deep down sadness I tucked away. Has helped me deal with feeling like I’m just going to be a bigger person for the rest of my life. I guess I got to where I am because I believed all these things. But taking this step, feeling the difference in my body, seeing the difference in my body, it has allowed me to step back and see me the way God sees me. Not the way others see me. This world and its opinions have nothing for me. It is who I am in Christ Jesus that matters. Only His opinion matters. I try to tell my children the way God sees you is all that matters. To not listen to this world with their sexy models and half dressed people on magazines. What matters is your walk with Christ. Your daily relationship with The Father. It pains me knowing my children have been bullied. One continues to deal with that from time to time. It hurts that other people have spoken badly about me in front of them. But all of these things, all of the suffering will just make me heavenly body one day that much more glorious. I can do ALL things thru Christ who gives me strength. This has been something I have had to lean on and reflect on and trust. Learning to know who I am in Him has been one of the most amazing parts of this journey thus far. 8 know I will keep pushing and striving for healthy living even after this is over.