Author: Amanda McCroskey

Well the title pretty much says it all. I’m struggling. And unfortunately I don’t know why. I’ve been working out and been eating relatively healthy only to have gained 8 pounds back in 1 week. To say I was discouraged would be an understatement. That was last week. Since Saturday the 18th I have lost 2.1 pounds. How? I made an appointment with a new wellness coach and upped my strength training. I’ve upped my protein intake as well. I’m still struggling to understand and be okay with the gain, but I do feel better having lost some of it rather than increase it. Life is hard, but I thank God every day for this crazy ride and the most wonderful team mates I could have ever asked for.

Well I haven’t been to the gym since Friday afternoon. I woke Saturday feeling horrible and running a fever. I continued with the fever on Sunday so I headed to Minute Clinic. The flu test came back negative, but was told that I have a viral sinus infection. My fever finally broke today! Hopefully I’ll be heading back to work tomorrow , but for sure I will be at the gym.

Well….. I guess I’m going to welcome myself back to the blog! I’m sorry to anyone who has been following my journey for the lack of blogs. I justified not posting them by saying that there is time tomorrow to post which ends up turning into not posting at all and by thinking that no one is paying my blogs attention. Well I’m back! I’m blogging!

First thing first, I learned last Saturday that I LOVE Aqua Zumba! If anyone wants to join please do! I attend at the YPC pool at 9:20am. Right now I’m at work on break, but will be going to gym after I get off in a few hours and then will go to my side job.

And now for non gym related things. I accepted a new job and start in a few weeks working at a preschool! I’m so excited!!! My husband and I attended The Very Next Thing your last night and I just have to say that God moved me. I could see how I was a believer, but not fully trusting Jesus with my life. I vowed to change that last night. I don’t want religion with Jesus, I want a relationship with Him. And I’m happy to say that God moved both my and my husband’s hearts last night to sponsor a child. I pray that V.A.M. grows up to know and love the Lord and to accept salvation. I pray that I can reach the people God intends for me to and that I have the words and heart to show them the love of Christ. And I pray that each of the people reading this blog know that Jesus loves them; the good parts, the icky parts, and every part in between.

Today I was finally able to try a Cardio Dance Blast class. Let me tell you, WOW! The class is an hour long and I could only last 25 minutes. My goal for the next class is to make it at least 35 minutes!

I have been struggling with feeling like I am failing. Failing at life in general. I am most certainly not putting God first in my life during this season. Job hunting has become an idol. As much as it hurts to say it, it’s good to finally truly acknowledge that it has. I feel less than good about how I envisioned being a wife. I was going to be THAT wife, the wife that cooked and cleaned, that kept laundry up, that was ready for any guest that may stop by. And I am DEFINITELY not THAT wife.

Thursday night after my RBL team meeting my husband and I had a long and meaningful talk in the parking lot on the tailgate of his truck. I finally opened up about how I was really doing. Have you ever felt like life was trying to pull you under and you couldn’t stay afloat? That’s been me. God gave my husband the words to say that would turn into the life raft I had been needing.

All I can say is God has opened my eyes up so much in the first 3 weeks of RBL. He has shown me just how unhealthy my life was as a whole, how I haven’t fully put my trust in Him, and how He is never going to leave me.

Working out is the easy hard part, it’s trying to keep your life the same instead of growing and evolving that’s the real hard part.

Well let’s just say I may be a chicken with its head cut off this week! I have managed to go to the YMCA one day this week and walk at Furman one day. Between family, interviews, Valentine’s Day (worked late so another couple could have a date night), and just a general pull from all sides I am POOPED! I am happy that tonight is our RBL group meeting because that means since I have to be here I am able to work out too without a scheduling conflict.

Earlier this week I admitted to struggling with making time for the gym. I found it easier to schedule the time in my planner and phone calendar. If I actually have it on my calendar I don’t feel like I’m neglecting my duties at work or home. I may not have worked out much today, but I was able to squeeze in a 30 minute cardio workout in between my first job and my second side job. Next on my to do list is to truly sit down and examine my nutrition!

So far working out hasn’t been an issue. Once I get started I actually enjoy it! I enjoy feeling energy when the workout is done and surprisingly I really like strength training. I am however struggling to find time between work, going on interviews for a new position, and home life to actually want to go. Once I get to the YMCA I am fine, but before that I go through all the other things I need to get done at my house first. My husband is being very supportive of my journey and encourages me to go because almost everything else can wait. I’m hoping that with more planning and praying I will be able to get a balance between work, home, and health!

I am not a blogger, so please forgive me if my first few are basically redundant rambles.

Why this journey? Why now? Two very simple questions, but they hold so much weight and sorrow to them. The short answer is I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of being the big girl in the room. I’m tired of not worshiping God by taking care of myself. Why now? Because why not now.

Now for the long and deeper answers to the questions. Why this journey? Why did I want to be a Rob’s Big Loser? I have been large my entire life. I weighed in at my heaviest at 253 pounds while I was grieving the passing of my mom when I was 16. I am an emotional eater through and through and the grieving process just exasperated it! Over the next five years I lost 63 pounds and was the lightest I had been since middle school. I met my husband in 2014 and we eloped in 2015 which we followed with a public ceremony in late 2015. When my husband and I were dating I was diagnosed with PCOS and LADA or Type 1.5 Diabetes. Due to those issues my doctors told me that I had a 15% chance of getting pregnant without medical help and only if I kept all my levels in check.

Being told my statistics made my head spin with self doubt and feelings of inferiority. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom and have my own family. What kind of man would want to be with someone that can’t do the one thing females were made to do that men can’t? My husband was never bothered by any of the information I told him along the way. He said that God will do what God will do. God is in control.

Cue in Januray 2016. 10 negative home pregnancy tests and 2 negative pregancy blood tests. But I knew different. I saw two doctors who told me in much nicer words that I was crazy when I told them I didn’t believe what the tests said, that I knew I was pregnant. A month later a doctor finally listened to me and believed me. It turns out I was pregnant, but had miscarried. Add to my list of medical issues, low progesterone. I could only think I why, why was this happening to me.

To find out that you were going to be a mom and have it taken away rips your heart out. My body was a mom, I was a mom. I am a mom that never got to hold her baby. My husband and I looked for the good in the heartbreaking situation. Our good was God showed us that we can potentially have a family that way, but also opened us up to talking about other ways to have our own family such as fostering and adoption.

My answer to the why now question is still the simple answer of why not now. Why not get my body into the best shape it can be? Why not worship God by taking care of myself? Why not prepare myself for however God blesses my family with children? I am glad to say that I have made it to the why not now question. And I am blesses to have this wonderful opportunity thanks to His Radio and the Greenville YMCA.