So, I had been discouraged and I had to shake things up. 1. I needed to add a rest day back in. I already take Sunday off but my body really needs 2 days off. Especially with all the walking and running, I get tired and I go all the time. My sister got me afitbit and I have been able to see that there are just weeks that I am really getting in a tone of steps. That requires rest and I needed more calories. I think it can be really hard to know how many calories I am really burning but obviously more than I thought. I upped my calories took a rest day and lost. I also just noticed that I have almost lost a total of 9 pounds. That’s actually really exciting. I’m around 163ish and started at 172. It can be really easy to not notice changes, but I have gone down a pants size and I want to see that a celebration. Because I only have another 20 to go, I know it won’t come off fast and in fact my hope was that Rob’s big loser would keep me focused. This has been the weight that I just have not been able to lose. 6 years ago when we moved here I was in the 170s and I inched my way up to the 210s. There were a lot of reasons why- I got sick. My daughter had a baby. my son was sick. Our finances. It was easy to make everybody else a priority. I’ll never forget the kick off and how over and over we kept hearing make this a time for you. Take care of your health and it will spread into other areas. And it has. I’m grateful for the support this group has been and especially having the chance to use the Y again, something I have not been able to afford the past few years. I am not in a race and I will keep remembering that this is a journey for my life- a marathon not a sprint. Here’s to 4 more weeks.
So, I know that this is not how our posts should probably sound, but I am discouraged. I have not seen a pound lost since I started lifting. I had lost 50 pounds before starting this program and now nothing. Up 2 pounds down 2 pounds. It’s kind of funny cause I know all the reasons my weight may not be moving. And I should be ok with that. But, I don’t know how to be. I’m moving more. I’m getting in 6 cardio a week and 4 active traxs a week. I actually wonder if I am not eating enough. I have heard that said to people before and thought how can that be. But, I think it may be true for me. I see other things that are not showing up on the scale. Stronger in my runs. More energy at the end of the day. Things I can;t put a measuring tape around. But, this journey has felt very lonely. And that can be true of a lot of journeys. We have a lot of stress in our home. I haven’t shared much of it here not for fear but where to start. My son Evan will by all accounts have to have a bone marrow transplant in the next year and just thinking about it makes me scared to death. It will likely have to take place in Philly and he and I will have to live there for a few months. And I am terrified. Over and over I have seen God’s mighty hand on Evan’s life. His ability to transform situations I thought were helpless. And yesterday as I thought about my own frustration with the scale, I remembered the verse about taking my thoughts captive.
2 Corinthians 10: 5 “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
Every thought. The ones that say good job. The ones that say don’t bother. Right now I feel at a loss for how to proceed. I don’t see any progress and I know my own spiritual walk has felt like this before and yet, I am convinced that my life is in His hands. My progress is somehow what he does and what I do. It’s not a one or the other- it’s both. Today I want to live in the truth of Romans 8:1 and really believe what God says is true. “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” No none not at all.
So tomorrow I will get up do my walk run go lift and take my thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. One battle at a time.
This week our goal was to get in 4 workouts in active traxs and 4 cardio workouts. Tomorrow I will finish up my 4 in both categories. Getting in the weights workouts have been tough. It doesn’t take very long- only about 20 minutes but the Y is about 15 min away and it seems like there is always something else I could use the hour to do. That is actually why I wanted to be a part of this journey. I knew I needed something to help motivate my activity. I am not seeing any change in the pounds but I am seeing the fat percentage go down and that’s really exciting. This has been a rough season for so many people. This past week I had a sinus headache (the rain and the change in temperature) and that can really effect my mood and my desire to do anything. I was super proud of myself for Tuesday morning getting up and doing my walk/run. My friend was supposed to meet me but had to cancel to take care of her car. I had a short amount of time to get the walk in and be downtown to volunteer for a show at Gunter Theatre. And I did it!!! I felt so proud of myself for doing this. In fact I think the older I get the more I think of how hard it is to do hard things. When I was young I could be overly optimistic and believe things would always work out. Well now I know that God wins but that His win does not always look like I think it will. He will receive the glory. I can;t let my idea of how a situation will turn out decide for me if I will try. Life may be hard but He is good and loves me. He never condemns me and that’s really good news on a foggy Tuesday as I wog in the rain. Press on
So, I was sick. I think it started last Wednesday but full blown by Saturday and then out for the count most of the week. I struggle with winter depression and so the sickness and the rain had really done a number on my attitude. In fact I still felt back as of yesterday. I was thinking man I have made a huge mistake doing this weight loss thing. I texted one of my good friends and asked her to pray for me. I was really discouraged and just was not seeing how I was ever going to feel better and just feeling super unmotivated to do well anything. My friend reminded me that the spirit can and will help us to see the fruits in our lives. I was so stunned by that simple truth. See I have been grumpy. Grumpy with myself,my family, my team…(sorry guys) and truth be told just feeling defeated. That one truth led me to pray God help my attitude. Help me to fight for your spirit in my life. Your spirit is here help me feel it. And if I don;t feel it help me to live in the truth that I have it anyway. Your word has told me so. I am still on the struggle bus in the mornings. But today was better than yesterday and I have already texted my husband and we are heading to the y after dinner tonight. I can make small changes and those small changes can add up to big ones. One choice at a time. One attitude at a time.
So last week I was so gun ho. I had my assessment and met with my team. I knew I would be traveling this past weekend so figured I could start my active trax when I got back. I had emailed the lady in charge of our meals to get a handle on what food would be around all weekend. It was actually super healthy- lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. Then Saturday I woke up with a horrible sinus headache and by mid afternoon, I felt horrible. It’s Wednesday and I am still struggling. I am taking everything I can to fight this. I did stay in bed all day Monday and to be honest I will probably be back in bed today too. I felt a lot better yesterday but I guess that was wishful thinking. I am a bit bummed that I can;t get started the way I want. But, I really see this as a delay not a stop. My biggest issue with my weight has been not listening to my body and definitely not treating my body with care. I have given everyone else a place at the table but me. One of my favorite songs on His Radio right now is “Come to the Table.” What a message I need right now in my life weary worn out come to the table. I am grateful I serve a Savior who went to the croos so I can have a seat at the table. I am reminded as I study 1John that Jesus was a substitute for me. How precious that is to me especially right now when I am sick and struggling to feel significant. He is my righteousness.
Last week was the kick off for Rob’s Big Loser. I was ecstatic to find out I was part of the East side Y. I had tried to make the team last year and it just wasn’t my time. This year things are very different. I have been doing Weight Watchers and know that I am at a place where I need help to make this last push. I run but I have been afraid to add weights to my program and really if I am honest just fearful in general. I can;t wait to see what we as a team can do with the strength of God and each other collectively. Last night, our team met and did a circuit workout. It reminded me of when I use to teach aerobics. My life is very far from that life. But, I could see a glimmer of who that girl was. When I sent in my application I know that for me I wanted what God was doing on the inside to show on the outside. He transforms. He renews. He makes all things new- even this worn out body. Next week, I will be trying to do my active traxs 2 times and get in a workout class 2 times as well. I would really like to try out the TRX (?) class and maybe do a spin class! I love to ride but usually get so hot riding inside. Hoping they have a fan in there. I first have to figure out how to get the app on my phone and reserve a space. I’m probably no different than any other moms. Too busy to take care of myself. But, this has to be a priority. My health has to be a priority. I am convinced that taking care of my body helps my mind and emotions and that helps me be a better mom. As I learn to depend on Jesus when I am tired (hello back of my legs from those squats. Thanks ) then I can learn to trust him in more important things. Cause I have a lot on my plate. Stuff I’ll share later. He is enough for today and that is how I will see this through. One step. One day. One bite. One workout. One meal. Blessings
So, tomorrow I will run a 5K at 7:30 am. If you see the runtastic app send me a cheer. This may seem like common everyday for most people. And granted it used to be for me too. Until 2 years ago when I had 2 bouts with shingles. And then even walking a mile became a big deal. And then last year happened. and I found myself struggling to walk and just do anything. This past 12 weeks I have trained 3 days a week and ran. I just ran. Tomorrow I have no idea how it will go. But, I know this…health is something I will never take for granted again. Strength is more than just physical. It is emotional and mental and it is all spiritual.
“Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered.”
And because I am in Christ, I too can learn through suffering.
“These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed”
May tomorrow’s run be to the praise and honor of the Father and may he feel pleasure in my faith.
This was my post tonight on facebook for my friends so they can help cheer me on.
I am nervous. A part of me has wanted to set a goal. I use to be a much faster and harder runner. I trained and this training is about finishing not finishing fast. So, I have had to remember what the win is. That’s a word we use in our house a lot. “The win” The win does not have to be fast or better or braver. It can mean we show up. We let God show off.
I fell yesterday in the parking lot at Walmart. Skinned my knee and elbow pretty bad. But, this can’t be about this week. It has to be about12 weeks that add up to staying the course. I may have only lost 5 pounds. But, I have gained my desire to try again. That is worth a lot more to me than pounds.
So last Saturday we showed up and had a surprise to me weigh in. I will be totally honest, I have not nor will I be weighing myself. I had only lost 4 pounds. I was a bit disappointed. I am not sure what I expected. I know that exercise alone cannnot make up for a crappy diet. Not that I would call my diet (food intake) completely crappy. I have been planning my meals and snacks now for almost 3 weeks. I have been making myself salads every week and prepping snacks- fruit, etc..So, I thought I would have dropped more than that. But, I know that tracking can make all the difference. I just am not there yet. See I have a secret. I can tend to be all in or all out. I just don’t want to be so far in by the time this over that I fall off the wagon and end up worse than I already am. I don;t want this to be an excuse.
In fact, I am really struggling with knowing what to do next. I am grappling with how much of my food issues are really a spiritual problem. I can be so hard on myself. And I know that I can often look to food or a host of other things when I am bored or sad or upset. I would say it’s not Oh I am mad let’s get ice cream. It;s more subtle than that. It’s I am exhausted. I don’t even know how to think about food right now. Or I am so upset. Can we just eat out. Oh the Dr has no clue how to help you. I’ll grab a pizza so I can sit on the couch and mourn. It’s as if my emotions steal all my fight. I can lose weight and I have. It’s the keeping it off that kills me. How do I not let my anxiety about finances and my depression steal my joy. I know that the Bible says the thief comes to steal kill and destroy. But I have come to give you life and to the full. I want to live that joy. I want to live that abundant life. I am not sure what that looks like and how to live that. My food journey has to be bigger than measuring out my food and writing it in a book. I want it to be representative of my hope in a risen Savior and Christ in me. I want to lean on him harder than maybe I ever have.
So last week, I got my head in the game. Part of what can crush my efforts is the unexpected. Before I know it I am eating whatever, blowing my budget monetarily and physically. My son Evan had a rough Thursday night and we were leaving the dr office at 7:30 and I had still not had supper. So, I wanted to drive through Chickfila drive through! But I came home and ate something there. It felt like such a win. I felt like all the prepping I had done really paid off- apple slices I could grab. Salad in a jar to eat when I was crunched for time.
This week, prepping was tough because I had plans for Monday night. But, I just bought my groceries and prepped a new salad- antipasta this time without the pasta. It is soooo good. Also, chopped some apples and bagged some carrots. That came in handy today when I decided I would save my money while I was out and grab lunch when I got home. We had 2 dr visits and a hair cut. Knowing I had something waiting on me kept me pushing ahead. My run yesterday felt super hard and I am very sore. But, it feels good to push myself and finish my run up the hill. That hill on my run that can crush me in just even a walk. But, it’s good to do something that pushes me a bit. Todays Dr. visits were a bit hard and it was good to know God has this. He really does have. And I keep remembering that perfect love drives out fear. My God loves me. What can mere man do to me?
So, spending time with the rest of my team has been great. I have been super consistent with my running plan. I have run even when I couldn’t come for Saturday training. But, I did not want to think about the food. Why not? Well it has all been mental. It really clicked for me today when our team sat with a leader who talked to us about nutrition. I really wrestled with feeling frustrated. Eventually, I just had to ask her how to make this work. I mean for me it is not the knowing – it is the doing. I
led Weight Watchers meeting. I lost weight. I kept it off. I just know that stress can zap every bit of motivation I have to eat well or even care. The leader said to us…dig deep. Figure out what is motivating you. I came home and I thought about that. Why had I wanted to lose weight almost 14 years ago. It was my family history. I knew my Dad was using a walker. He could hardly move. I knew my grandmother had died way to young. I knew everybody I knew took some kind of medication. I did not want that to be me. So, I googled about prepping food. Nothing I did not know. But, let’s be honest, right now everything seems hard. I cleaned out my fridge. I threw away a bunch of old food from my freezer. I made a huge batch of oatmeal. Put fruit in baggies in the freezer. Planned out every meal and snack. My desire is to have a long life for the service of my King. I know I am a woman who has victory. I want the outside to reflect what is going on in the inside. I am His! I want my food to reflect that. I am His.